Daughter's Independence (SIM #79)

Having helped move our daughter into her college dormitory across the country and said our good byes, I thought I would share a message I wrote to her with this community. Many of you have had similar transitions in the recent past or have something similar coming up. For me, it’s a bittersweet process, knowing our daughter is on her own path and in a great place to explore her passions and independence, yet selfishly, I’d like to keep her a part of our day-to-day cadence at home.

As you embark on the next chapter in your life, I want to think that I have great wisdom to share. The core of my so-called wisdom is to simply be yourself and remember to experience the moments, never forgetting your and everyone else's humanity. We're all imperfect beings trying to find our way and it's easy to be impressed and sometimes even overwhelmed by those with more outward confidence. Don't let that prevent you from taking action. It's supposed to be a bumpy road, particularly when you don't have your parents as copilots constantly trying to warn you of the upcoming speed bumps and potholes, many that never materialize.

Turning to more practical wisdom:

It took me way too long in life to realize that my mental energy and inner mood was largely a function of my physical activity and general fitness level. The downside of this connection is that it's exactly when you don't feel like being active that you most need it. When you're feeling down, get active. This is among the more obvious statements, yet it can be so hard to do in the moment.

The best things in life almost always require sacrifice, which can take many forms. There's a reason that almost all religious and cultural traditions provide frequent reminders about the importance of the journey as opposed to the destination. The sacrifice most often shows up as extra hard work or moments of choosing to be uncomfortable in order to learn and grow. My internal mantra in these times is to embrace the grind.

Try to take note of the people in your life that give you energy (fill your bucket) vs. drain your energy (empty your bucket). Energy vampires are sneaky good at coopting too much of our precious energy. When it comes to being intentional with your time, choose to spend time with the bucket fillers.

The emotion that has always caused me the most confusion with where and how it manifests is shame. I'm not only referring to deep shame, but more often the shallower variety that can come from not feeling smart enough or social enough or just enough in general. This goes back to my point about all of us being human. It wasn't until I had significantly more experience in life that I realized that we're all dealing with our own unique struggles. Just like folks often put their best selves front and center on social media, this signaling is a constant part of how humans interact, and we rarely know what's going on behind the social facade or underneath the impressive resume. Shame is typically both awful and silly and rarely useful.

And last, when in doubt, choose the more social option and meet new people. You already have a keen sense of your values and boundaries and now is the time to explore and develop more and deeper interests. There's nothing like learning and sharing with others; this camaraderie is a powerful and motivating force. 

Josh